remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
