its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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