It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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