Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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