I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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