I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i dont even know how to be here
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
