i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
