I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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