my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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