this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize