i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Sober January is a disaster.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
