um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
