I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize