I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
