She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
