i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Pants are for mortals
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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