do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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