You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
