I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Randomize
