please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize