I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
