Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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