I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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