happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
