i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
