I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
