I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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