Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
