there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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