fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
