god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize