I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
