I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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