I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
