how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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