So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
