i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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