I wish I could punch you in the face.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Randomize
