I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I don't want my vagina anymore.
The Olympian is in my bed
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
