I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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