Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
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