Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
