He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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