Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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