He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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