You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize