NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
