My cat gives me a boner
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
