He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
