dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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