Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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