If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
