I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
