yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Randomize
