Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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