Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
