I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
