just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I lost the right to judge tonight
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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