just tell him i said nine months
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
My liver is preforming stress tests.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
