So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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