i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
