Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
