Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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